You're never too old for your father to hold you

I don't want to ever forget today

Today I held my 14 year old AnnaLisa like I did when she was a baby

I looked over at her sitting on the couch after telling her she couldn't spend the night at a friends

I saw a little teenage disdain in her face

She hadn't been home more than ten minutes.

Just arriving from going to a movie with said friend

And said friend had spent the night at our house last night

She looked upset and a little angry

But my gut told me it wasn't me telling her no that was bothering her

I told her to come here

I was sitting in the recliner

I said "remember when I used to hold you as an infant and rock you when you were crying?"

She said "uh-huh"

I told her "You'll never be too old for daddy to do that"

And I pulled her close and put her in my arms and started rocking her. 

Her legs dangling off the side of the recliner

The rhythm and sway of us rocking away has always been peaceful

I asked her if she was mad I had told her she had to stay home,

She said "no, not really."

I asked her what was bothering her.

She broke down in tears, balling he eyes out

She saw her old boyfriend after the movie (her first boyfriend mind you)

She said it hurt to see him because she missed all the fun times they had.

She enjoyed hanging out and all of their conversations 

He broke up with her because she didn't want to have a physical relationship

And I'm to blame for that. I'm very adamant about her not being ready at her age for that.

I'm a little over protective. And I will continue to be. Her feelings are important to me. But her being hurt by a break up is far less for her to deal with long term than the potential for hurt that can come from an unstructured teenagers life and one that is free from guidelines

I feel bad she is hurting

But I don't feel bad for protecting her

Someday she will be very grateful

I actually feel she is grateful now

But I can see in her eyes that her heart hurts and she has some curiosity as to how different it would be, were she not to have rules

But I also see a peace in her eyes, knowing her daddy is protecting her heart, even if it means a little of it has to be broken by someone else  

Gravity Day 4

Gregory was still taken back by the audacity of Rosie and her willingness to without hesitation cast judgement on him. "Who does she think she is? She has never met me, doesn't know me. How can she just make accusations and assumptions about me?" Greg, not being one to let things go stewed about this for the whole drive home and long after as he sat there trying to fill out these papers he had waited so long to acquire. He had waited months for his scheduled day off to finally go get the papers and now, with all the time he needed on his hands,  he could do nothing but sit there and stare at them blankly. Stuck on the words Rosie had thrown at him "oh one of those guys, how old is she?" It was so uncalled for, yet so true. "How could she know that?" He wondered. 

Left with nothing but his thoughts Greg decided to escape them. He hopped in his sleek black sports car and started driving. He first headed out along the coastline. Trying to appreciate it in all its glory. But the ocean, its seemingly endless view and the emptiness it appeared to offer were not the escape he was looking for. He needed something different, not just a physical place, but a way to shut off this endless flow of emotion he was feeling. His attention was soon turned to a row of local pubs. And the bright neon happy hour sign in front of a place called Carl's caught his attention and seemed like as good as a place as any to escape unnoticed by any one who knew him. Not since college had Greg spent any considerable amount of time at a place like that. Drinking was never really his thing after he graduated college and got married. Greg thought to himself,  "I'll just stop for one drink, maybe it will ease a little of this anxiety." Good intentions are often clouded by bad judgment. This would prove to be just that. 

Greg sat right up to the bar. The attractive young lady, noticing Greg's car, his expensive suit and his air of confidence wasted no time striking up conversation. "What brings a guy like you to a place like this?"  Greg visibly shocked by the question replied "I'm just passing through and stopped for a quick drink." Dive bars like this didn't attract people like Greg. As he looked around it was evident to him he probably did seem out of place. There were only four other people in the establishment, but all of them were wearing neon jackets and still had hard hats on from their day jobs. Probably construction or utility workers he thought to himself. 

The bartender introduced herself as Maggie and asked Greg what he would like to start out with to drink. Greg didn't even know what to say. It had been over 10 years since he had a drink, so he said "surprise me!" Maggie came back with a whisky and coke. It tasted a little bitter to Greg, but it was just what he needed. Having not drank for that long, it affected Greg almost immediately. He got the warm relaxed feeling he hoped he would. He felt calm. He wasn't going anywhere for awhile. In fact, he soon wouldn't be able to go anywhere. The feeling was almost too good to be true, there was no place he had to be and no place else he wanted to be at least for now.

Gravity Day 3

Greg soon found out big city courthouse workers have the same mentality as small town courthouse employees. The looks Greg received when he asked for the proper paperwork to fill out and move forward with divorce were enough to make even the most narcissist individual feel a sense of shame. He could see them whispering and brooding behind their cubicles as he stood there waiting for the lady to dig out the proper forms and explain the process for filling them out.   Greg's inner fears and insecure thoughts overrode his ability to listen and he missed most if not all of the lady's instructions for filling them out. Divorce, albeit a growing trend, is still frowned upon by many and a major topic in gossip circles regardless of what part of the country you live in or what slice of the economic pie you belong to.

The elevator ride back down to the courthouse ground level was far less eventful than the ride up. Gregory found himself in the midst of presumably a few high profile lawyers obnoxiously discussing their morning golf rounds. Greg used to enjoy golf, but hadn't picked up a club in years. Work was his life now. And soon, it would be what defined him. He was bound and determined that a divorce nor an unhappy marriage would define him. These papers were the ticket to his liberation, his independence and his first real chance at individuality. Jenna and Greg were married young. They had been companions from the start of adolescence. Neither had ever really had a significant other prior to their falling for each other. Their side by side seats in 6th grade science brought them together, and it was believed from that moment forward, they would remain together. Happy. Forever. Just like the storybook endings always read. Just like the movies. 

Greg caught a glimpse of Rosie dry mopping the shimmering marble floor in the foyer of the courthouse building. He couldn't run out of there fast enough. He had just met Rosie, but had already decided he didn't like her. She was nosey, blunt and obtuse. He didn't need another woman like that in his life. He was trying to free himself from this sort of criticism and openness. He wasn't about hang around and give her a chance to pipe up again. But it was too late, Rosie, with the prowess of a crouching tiger flagged Gregory down and gave him another earful. "You don't really think this is going to solve your problems do you.....ummm...I never did catch your name mister." 

"It's Greg thank you. Now if you could kindly let me be on my way I have some appointments I need to be at. Have a nice day Rosie." And Greg began the hour long drive back to his upscale home on the bay.

Gravity Day 2

Gregory finished his breakfast, grabbed his briefcase and headed out the door. There was no one to say good bye to. This hadn't happened since he and Jenna both had business trips land on the same week nearly two years go, but it felt like 15 to Greg. His love for his kids was a strong and special one. Though from the outside it may not have seemed it at times with as much time he spent at his job. The hour long minute commute to the courthouse left Greg with plenty of time to reflect on his kids and his relationship with his wife. There were a lot of things that drove Greg to a high level of success in the business world. Providing a secure life for his children was at the top of the list. Having a life of ease and not having to tell his kids "we don't have enough money for that" was another driving driving force. Gregory came from nothing. Raised in Detroit, the son of a Ford Factory worker, there were no video games, no going to movies and no luxury or entertainment of any kind. A bicycle fashioned from two broken ones and shared amongst two other siblings was a privilege to them. Success, happy well adjusted kids and nice things were a product of the rather large chip on his shoulder. 

Greg arrived at the San Diego County courthouse in what seemed like the blink of an eye. He had got caught up in all his memories and what brought him to this place. Gregory's elevator ride up to the Family Law Facilitator's office and his deep introspective thoughts were interrupted with a question. A short lady, with piercing eyes, a weathered face and all the lines of a life of struggle spreading across her face. Wearing her blue dress and apron. Her name tag said Rosie, and she spoke with a Hispanic accent. "You look as if you saw a ghost mister" she uttered with the confidence of a marriage proposal. There was an awkward silence for what seemed like minutes. Greg wasn't sure what to say. Was it that obvious he was having a hard time with this next step in his life? He felt so confident and convicted this was best for him and his kids. How could he look pale and scared. Greg, although feeling somewhat hesitant, answered quite candidly. "I'm actually on my way to the Family Law Facilitators office." Rosie wasted no time firing back. "Oh I see, one of those fellas. Divorce papers?" Greg feeling insulted piped up "pffft what's that supposed to mean?" Fired up enough that he spit when he spoke. "I should of known" said Rosie. "Good looking, nice suit.....how old is she?" Greg, shocked and flabbergasted at the audacity of a stranger, a janitor none the less, rolled his eyes and told her "have a nice day" as the elevator door slid open. Walked out, without looking back.

Gravity Day 1

Gregory woke to the sun rise exploding through his giant split paned picture window over looking the bay. The rainbow ribbon of orange colors was blinding. But he didn't want to look away. It was too beautiful to not appreciate. He didn't want this moment to end. This feeling. The appreciation of something so simple yet so complex. He felt shame thinking of the amount of times he had awoke and walked by that window on the way to grab some breakfast and not appreciated this very view. He and Jenna had lived there for 10 years. Most of them happy ones. He couldn't help but think back to the memories of designing this home from scratch. The hours of looking over pictures and blue prints. Jenna picking out all of her favorite kitchen designs. Him designing his garage with enough room to fit his dream cars. His mind turned to the birth of his first child, Corren. They never made it to the hospital. It happened here. In this house. Much of Corren's infant years are a blur to Gregory. He was married to his job as much as he was Jenna. Up early, home late.

It seemed he had lost sight of the important, simple and beautiful things in life. 

Gregory started to justify to himself, like anyone does, why he had taken for granted so many of life's simple moments. "I've been sleeping on the couch for weeks, that's the only reason I just started noticing that view. After all, my bedroom faces the north. How could I feel bad for that?"

Nothing was different outside. Out there in the world, it was business as usual. But in here, in Gregory's world, everything was changing. A major life shift was rising. He kept telling himself it was a season change in his life, but from all outside perspectives there was a storm brewing. Everyone else always sees it coming before you do.

Gregory had taken the day off of work. An occasion as rare as a Lunar Eclipse. After all it was hard work that led to that bad ass view of the ocean. This day off would be spent picking up and filling out the forms necessary to start the next season in his life. Greg had enough of living his life for others. Today he was setting out to pave his own path. From this day forward he was determined to write his own book. And having an entire day off would allow him the necessary time to set the wheels in motion. His life was about to change forever!

The Stealing Season

Time is my only gift to give 

It's winter again

I have to learn to love you 

all over again 

With each new season comes a new awareness 

An age old fear, I could at anytime perish 

For God so loved the world

but we will all, 

someday perish